I don’t get it.

There are some things that I just don’t get in life. Total head-scratchers.

Some of them, not all, are related to women. A guy not understanding women? Shocker, I know. But I learned long ago that I’m not alone. One of the great statements my father shared over a beer with me went something like this:

“I grew up with a mother and six sisters. I have a wife (as of this writing, of almost 51 years), three daughters, and four granddaughters. I still don’t understand women. So I just smile and nod my head.”

The sad part is I simply asked him if he wanted hot wings or potato skins. Poor guy.

But don’t think I’m going to simply regurgitate here the standard differences between men and women, Mars and Venus, the peeny woo-woo and the hoo-hah (if your children are in the room). A handful of things, off the top of my head, leave me with shoulders shrugged.

Ladies, what’s with the pouty pucker face in pictures? Is that supposed to be seductive or sexy? Yeah, I don’t know of a single guy who agrees with you. You look like a bee stung you in an unfortunate spot. Please stop. If it is because of a bee, try ice and Benadryl.

Sorry, ladies, but I have another one for you. Why do you take pictures of your feet? I don’t have a problem with feet. I don’t love or hate them. I actually find them quite handy for walking. I also don’t mind barefoot people, if you don’t have extra toes or look like you use a belt sander on your bunions—although the extra toe part might be interesting to see. I don’t even have a problem rubbing the feet of a woman I’m in a relationship with. But it seems that women on vacation love to take pictures of their feet with scenery in the background.

“These are my feet overlooking the vineyards of Napa. But these are my feet in Sonoma! Can you tell how much different they look? Me too! And check out my feet in Punta Cana!”

There’s nothing different about the feet. No special toenail polish. No recent pedicures. No fancy shoes. No new tattoos. No braided toe hair. (And if you have braided toe hair, you have bigger issues than taking pictures of your feet.)

That’s a beautiful sunset…without your feet. That powdery sand on the beach and crystal blue ocean are breathtaking…without your feet. I will believe that you were there without the forensic photo.

Speaking of pedicures, guys, why would you ever get one? Wash them daily. Clip them when needed. You’re done. And manicures? You MIGHT get a pass if your bride asks you to get one for those close-up wedding ring pictures. I said MIGHT. I’m still on the fence on this one.

Time to rip a little more on my “follicly challenged” gender. Plugs, weaves, toupees and comb-overs—what are you thinking?

Before you get defensive—“You don’t know what it’s like!”—I do. Losing your hair sucks. When I was around 11 years old, one of my sister’s told me that because my maternal grandfather was bald, I would be. I was lucky if I could grow a single hair on my chin, but I already had to accept the fact that the hair I did have would eventually be left on my pillow. And what type of balding would I be dealing with? The horseshoe pattern? The Eddie Munster widow’s peak? Hair in front, but the bald crown in back? This was a lot for a kid my age to process, so I did the grown-up thing. I pelted her with a Tinkertoy.

But when dealt a bad hand in life, it’s often about how you deal with it that matters. I chose the route of keeping my hair short and neat. And at 40 years old, I decided that clippers and a mirror were the way to go from here on out. Renowned scientists that I just made up have proven that it reduces wind drag. And I’m happy to say that a relatively high percentage of men out there share the same aerodynamic philosophy.

Some of you, however, strayed along the path of Burt Reynolds and William Shatner. And like Burt and Billy, we can tell. Even strangers who never knew you during your Mr. Clean days can tell. You look ridiculous. You’re not fooling anyone…except yourself.

Then there are those who choose the chemical route to keep their noggins covered—Minoxidil. The wonder drug whose side effects include swelling of the face and extremities, rapid and irregular heartbeat, lightheadedness, cardiac lesions, and hair loss! Punch yourself for being a dummy.

I think it’s best stop here. Let’s face it, gender mindbenders is a topic that fills books in libraries and websites on Al Gore’s invention, the “Internet,” much less a single blog posting. But if you have answers to the things I don’t get, feel free to educate me.

I’m sure I won’t get those, either.