March 26, 2012

A Word From Your Helpful Career Guidance Counselor

What’s the difference between a writer and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

Thank you, I’m here all week. Remember to tip your waiter and try the veal. Seriously, tip your waiter. It might be me.

It’s not a news flash that my chosen profession is not exactly one of the most lucrative. To say “chosen profession” - is that really accurate? Isn’t it often our profession that chooses us? To paraphrase that old adage, when you do something you love, you’ll never work another day in your life.

Over the years, like most people, I’ve put much thought into turning many things that I love into a profession. Perhaps I can help you with your quest for professional bliss or at least eliminate some options that you’ve been considering.

Eating

Yep, I love to eat. We go back a long way, food and me. It’s kind of a love/hate relationship. I love to eat food and it hates to be killed and put on my plate. Fruits and veggies, fish, all sorts of farm animals - I’m not shy. I even ate a yard gnome once, but that was back in college, alcohol was involved, and I lost a bet. I still become frightened when I see Travelocity commercials.

(Side note: I just Googled “yard gnome commercial” because I couldn’t remember if the company was Travelocity and discovered there’s a yard gnome superstore out there. I had no idea there was such a demand for yard gnomes…and I’m not sure why.)

Alas, there are no true professions for eating - unless I choose to become a competitive eater. But there already is an uncharacteristically skinny eating champion out there. A Japanese gentleman, I believe. I’d Google his name, but I’m afraid I’ll come across a superstore dedicated to him.

Drinking Beer

Hops, barley, water - how can you not make a profession out of nature's liquid gold? I have a friend who’s tried. He’s fallen off many barstools in his day during his attempts, but has failed to earn a nickel. However, we can point out all of the high-end HD televisions around the bar that his dedication to his art has purchased. I’m waiting for a sandwich to be named after him. It won’t make him any money, but at least he’ll feel like he’s finally made the big time.

Watching Criminal Minds

I’m not sure if I should make this my profession or enroll in a 12-step program for it. I was introduced to this show very late in the game. It’s been around since 2005, but I just started watching late last year. (I also heard about something new called “color TV.” Have to give that a try sometime.) There’s a television network called ION that runs episodes almost daily. So, almost daily, I’m on the edge of my seat trying to delve into the minds of serial killers. Let me tell you, there are some sick SOBs out there--and I’m just talking about my buddies.

Arguing Sports

Now if this were a possible profession, I’d have a long list of friends who’d be standing in line to submit applications. My dad would surely come out of retirement to supplement his income, too.

It doesn’t make a difference what the sport is baseball, basketball, football, hockey, women’s lacrosse - even Chess Boxing. This is real; between boxing rounds, players each make chess moves. The winner is the player who’s first to checkmate or to knock the other guy on his arse. I tried it once and it wasn’t pretty­. When hit with a left hook, I coughed up a yard gnome.

Giving Wedgies to My Nephews

Oh, if there were only a profession for this one, I’d be set for life! I have six nephews that vary from college age to kindergarten. Throughout their years, they’ve all earned that magical experience from their uncle by being stinkers. One thing they never seemed to realize is a) Don’t do anything that merits a wedgie. And b) When you do something, be sure to stay out of arm’s reach for the next, oh, six months. Typically they’ve forgotten about their misdeeds within the first 10 minutes and wander by. Ah, sweet justice.

Well, I hope my career guidance helps you in your search and I wish you the best of luck. If all else fails, you could become a writer.