I’m not feeling very social.

I received an email from Twitter today. The message said they missed me. Aw, shucks, that’s awfully nice of you, Twitteratti. Twittertarians? Uh, Twits? I never realized we were that close, though.

I admit that I’m not a Twitter-savant by any means. Despite my initial resistance, I finally set up an account and chose some people to follow. However, I rarely log in and actually see what anyone has to say or post. I may be missing a lot…or nothing at all.

But the Twits miss me, and to entice me to spend more time in their magical land they said, “Find out what these people are saying on Twitter right now!” Those people are:

1. Bill Cosby
2. Seth Myers
3. Charlie Sheen

Now, if you’re trying to entice anyone to do anything, why would those three be the carrots that you dangle? Exactly what demographic are the Twits trying to hit? The more I think about it, they're a progression (or regression) from wholesome to harmless to a bucketful of crazy, minus the bucket.

When I think of Bill Cosby, the old Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids cartoons from the 70s come to mind. (Hey, hey, hey!) And, of course, there’s Cliff Huxtable in his bright sweaters, teaching Theo and the other Huxtable kids some life lessons: the importance of school, never smoking, and refraining from putting little sister Rudi in a wood chipper. What, you missed that episode?

I remember, too, playing the Bill Cosby comedy LP for my mom. (Kids, please use Al Gore’s Intertubes to look up what an LP is. You can also look up who Al Gore is.) “Dad is great! Give us a chocolate cake!” But that all pretty much ended in the 90s. I’m certain he’s done plenty more since then, surely some very entertaining or important things, but I’m not going to rush to my Twitter account to find out.

Seth Myers? I don’t have anything against the man. He seems funny and doesn’t appear in headlines or on TMZ for getting caught with a trunkload of drugs, hookers or hookers on drugs. (Those are saved for our next candidate.) I actually don’t know a thing about him, outside of his Saturday Night Live career. And I haven’t watched SNL in such a long time because, let’s face it, it’s just not very funny anymore. A quick search and I find that Seth was born in Evanston, IL, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. Ah, a local boy done good! And what NU grad wouldn’t be proud to have the role “Drunk Guy in Yugo” listed on his resume. So Seth, keep doing what you’re doing. It won’t make me stand up and notice, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Now, as far as the overflowing bucket, Carlos Irwin Estevez (aka, Charlie Sheen), I’d rather not watch that car crash again and again and again.

He’s ruined the word “winning” for all of us. People can’t even use the word without adding the inflection from his video rant. It’s become so “nails on a chalkboard” to me that when a six-year-old on the basketball team I coach asked if we were winning, I made him run laps. It didn’t help that his name was also Charlie.

If we’ve learned anything about Charlie Sheen, it’s that he wasn’t acting in Two and a Half Men…at all. His drunken, self-abusive behavior was admittedly funny in the show, but in real life, not so much. I’d rather not spend my time seeing him act out as he continues to circle the drain. Hmm, maybe he and Lindsay Lohan can become a synchronized swim team on the way down.

Now if the Twits really wanted me back, they should’ve sent an email that featured Jose Canseco! Who wouldn’t want to know how he believes global warming would’ve saved the Titanic? Thanks, Jose. Finally, something new to teach kids in school, aside from that new math! I’m not sure which is worse – what he said or that the media latched onto it. Slow news day, eh?

Or maybe they could’ve used Ashton Kucher – the man with the most Twitter followers on the planet because he, um, always has something important and intelligent to say? He was “born to play Steve Jobs” in the slated movie, you know. He’ll tell you that. Need proof? Just look at those side-by-side photos! They both have stringy 70s hair and beards. Well, if that’s the criteria, there’s probably 100 guys living on Lower Wacker Drive who were also born to play Jobs. Let’s have an open audition. Or simply give them shares of Apple stock.

My biggest problem with social media is that it’s a little too instant. While it may have its merits, more often it’s simply a stage for every boneheaded Tom, Dick and Harry – or Sheen, Canseco and Kutcher – to share their thoughts on the burrito they ate for lunch 30 seconds ago…and what happens in the hours after that burrito.

I especially find it unbelievable when criminals share their recent “adventures” using social media. They’re then baffled when the police stop by for a visit with some nice, shiny bracelets. And the winner of the Darwin award is…!

So Twits, I thank you for your tap on the shoulder. For missing me. For your attempts to invite me back to the Twitter party with the likes of Cosby, Myers and Sheen. I’m just not feeling very social right now.